A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy

Here’s a good one.

The lot of you who know me know that I love my thrill rides and roller coasters.  It was with this in mind that I trekked to Paramount’s King’s Dominion yesterday for the first time in several years, with Tommy, my 11-year-old brother, for some classic thrill ride adventure.

Since being bought out by Cedar Fair (they own Cedar Point, think Millenium Force) a couple of years ago, I’ve heard mixed reports of the park being classed up a little bit.  Part of my goal today, ladies and gentlemen, is to put to rest any lingering questions you may have about the social integrity of this establishment.

To say the park is not enjoyable would be untrue, but comparing it to Virginia’s other premier theme park, Busch Gardens, is difficult (we’ll see what InBev does to it).  I’m a Busch Gardens (BG) person myself, but King’s Dominion (KD) does offer some significant advantages.  For example, the price an advance ticket to KD costs $39 as opposed to $56 for BG, although I remember parking at BG being $6 or $8 compared to KD’s $10.  KD boasts 14 roller coasters, while BG has 5 (and none of them are wooden), the food and drinks are cheaper (you can get an unlimited refill wristband for $4, and KD has Chik-Fil-A, although this was N/A as we went on a Sunday) and BG is about 35-40 minutes farther away.

As the old adage, goes, however, you get what you pay for.  The yellow paint on the once-striking Volcano has faded considerably.  The wood on the Rebel Yell (which you can no longer ride backwards on, I’m pissed) has cracked and splayed, and the forechamber to the Flight of Fear smelled of….bad.  The Anaconda is wobblier than ever, my head and back started to hurt after the second inversion.  The power problems which have plagued the launch coasters for the better part of 10 years still exist (we waited for 10 minutes strapped inside the Flight of Fear before they let it go, and neither Tommy, the other riders, nor the ride operators found my rendition of “Margaritaville” amusing) and the burgers are still awful.  To say that it wasn’t fun would be erroneous, KD still has the best pneumatic launch electromagnetic launch (thanks Brad) roller coasters in the country (Volcano still holds the record) but age and years of neglect from Paramount have taken a toll; in short,  Cedar Fair still has a lot of work to do.

Ridiculous Story Starts Here

And something else I noticed as soon as I got into the park was the stark contrast of patronage between King’s Dominion and Busch Gardens.  Take a look around Busch Gardens when you walk in.  What do you see?  Smiling faces, happy children, and young couples.  Busch Gardens, the epitome of American Belgian family fun.  Let the kids go watch Emerald Beat while you sit in the pub with a Budweiser Select(tm).  Cross the bridge of the Armed Forces, walk proud while listening to the brass-band sounds Anchors Aweigh.  Yes, you’ve entered Alpha territory, land of the defense contractors, yuppies, and other white-collar types, with their young wives and large discretionary incomes.  “Recession is a dirty word,” one of them, white, 30s, will say as they go up the steep slope of Apollo’s Chariot, “there’s nothing to worry about, I mean right now we’re riding up to the heavens.”  He says it with a wink, his young, attractive wife to his left, his son, Marcus, on the right.  And as you reach the towering summit, right before the drop, you see him anxiously glance at his BlackBerry.

*Stock Image

Meanwhile, head north 40 miles to Doswell, Virginia, in Hanover County.  If Busch Gardens is the New York City of theme parks, King’s Dominion is the Pittsburgh.  Nice place, but a little rough around the edges.  Walk through the metal detectors at the front gate, no false moves here.  Take another look around.  Wifebeaters, XXXL t-shirts on people who need them, and people who don’t.  The good old boys.  Richmonders, a very ethnically diverse patronage.  Bikini tops, good and bad.  Homies, eses, bruthas, hicks, Obamas and McCains.  Facial hair.  People you wouldn’t want to mess with.  People I wouldn’t want to mess with.  The true urbanites, the ones who see it all, but everyone comes to this place, this Pittsburgh, this Mos Eisley, to have a good time, from the “sup niggas” to the “yee-haws,” and everything in between, it is in many ways a demonstration of the universality of entertainment.  Forget your differences, for a moment, and get on the rides, go eat some funnel cakes, bad hamburgers, and cotton candy.  Everyone just wants to have fun, just like the cantina.  Go about it your own way, and don’t mess with anyone.

*Copyright 20th Century Fox, Lucasfilm Ltd.  Illustrative/nondestructive/low-res fair use.

Except for this one older (around sixty) white guy with a Maryland Terps hat.

King’s Dominion does have Boardwalk Fries.  I love Boardwalk fries, especially with that season-all salt stuff.  Oh God.  Anyway, to preface this, I know I can occasionally exaggerate my tellings, but I’d swear on a holy book that this is exactly what happened yesterday.  Around 2:30, I really wanted some boardwalk fries and lemonade, so I proceeded towards the nearest stand, of which there are several.  Tommy said he was going to sit on a bench in the shade and rest his feet, which was fine.  I proceeded to the stand behind a family of four and contemplated exactly how I was going to ensure adequate distribution of season-all, when this gentleman came up in front of me.

“Sir,” I said, “are you in line?”  He responded gruffly, glancing at the woman behind the fry stand.
“I’m just waiting for her.”

I sat there and determined that this did not answer my question in any way, shape, or form.  Was he waiting to talk to her?  Was he with the other family?  Was he picking her up to go home?  Why didn’t he just say “yes” or “no.”  At any rate, I was there before he was.  As the other family walked away, I walked up to the fry goddess and began ordering, when the man said “What are you doing?  I was here before you were.”  The fry queen heard this, and looked at me, and then gazed at the older gentleman with bewilderment.  I was not about to let this pass, as I hate it when people cut in line (there’s no social capitalism here, I don’t care if you’re 200 years old or sick or you have lyme disease or if you’re the ghost of Elvis you can wait like everyone else)  so I replied “I’m sorry, I believe you weren’t.”

At this, the man began to get indignant.  “I don’t have time for this, and I was here first.”  He then began to order, to which I said “I’m sorry, but” and was cut off with a “I don’t have to deal with you,” to which I began to become indignant.  “Well fine,” I said “if you’re going to be a complete asshole about it.”

As I began walking away, he actually turned, looked at me, and exclaimed the following with burning, wretched eyes:

“Hey, you want to fuck with me?!”

The french fry girl had backed away from the cart, and two people stopped to look at what was going on.  Tommy was oblivious.  As much as I did, in fact, want to continue to call him out on his Boo Radley elitism, I did not want to get ejected from the park, nor did I want to cause a scene in a family atmosphere that already had enough rough-looking people in it said, almost laughing, “no, no I do not,” backed away three steps, turned around and said “OK Tom, we’re going.”

“But where are your french fries?”  he asked, again, oblivious.
“They were all out, there’s another one right over there.”

All out of integrity.  Oh well.  It was fun.

That was longer than I thought it was going to be.  Good lord.  I feel like crap from yesterday.  Theme parks are good in small doses, no way I could do that every day.  Achy, stiff, and sore.  It’s Monday.  Half day Friday, Jenn is coming to visit from DE.  I have not seen her in a month, I’m very excited.

Updates as we get ‘em.

PS, I’m going to add links to this post, I just wanted to get it out there for today.  I’ll copy edit it later.  I have stuff I actually should be doing right now.